I'm Not That Boy
by TypewriterTardis
Summary: A faux-songfic. One-shots about Will reflecting on his lack of Tessa. Based on the lyrics of I'm Not That Girl from the musical Wicked. Takes place throughout CA and CP, and after.
1. Lyrics

**Song: I'm Not That Girl**

**From: the Broadway musical Wicked**

**Lyrics By: Stephen Schwartz**

**Rewritten By: Me**

**No copyright intended.**

**Link: (.)com/watch?v=NaT7DaqPbxs **

**Gaze upon the glory, masterfully rewritten by MOI! Ha.**

**So here's the plan: I write a short fic for each line (or verse, depending on how it flows). **

**Here's the reality: I'm lazy and it's the end of the school year (which spells finals and homework and an AP human geo test, for which I really should be studying right now) so this may or may not be happening. But I live in the lovely city of Denial on a street called Under A Rock.**

**Obviously, I had to rearrange and fiddle with the lyrics to make it about 2 guys and a girl instead of 2 girls and a guy. Sorry for any awkward edits and for some rhyme slaughter and deviation from the original rhymes, but... It was necessary.**

I'm Not That Boy

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

She could be that girl

I'm not that boy

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

She could be that girl

I'm not that boy

Every so often we long to steal

To the land of what might have been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blythe smile, lithe limb

He is handsome and she loves him

Silver hair and a gentle air

That's the boy she chose

And the Angel knows

I'm not that boy

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I don't want to douse their joy

I know she's the girl

I love her so

I'm not that boy

**The song itself is supposed to take place after Clockwork Prince, but the fics themselves will likely skip around in time, so BE WARNED!**


	2. Hands Touch, Eyes Meet

**Hands Touch, Eyes Meet**

**A/N: Here is the fist line. It's very short, but it's a one-shot. It's allowed to be. I'm very proud of this one. Please review! It makes me so happy :)**

Will focused very hard on the mashed potatoes before him on his plate. Maybe if he stared at them long and hard enough, they would float up and form a cloud between him and Tessa across the table.

For obvious reasons, she had been avoiding him. And he her.

Sometimes, when he wasn't looking pointedly away, Will would watch her. He would see the unhappiness in her eyes, always behind a thin layer of joy and giddiness, the kind that was supposed to be present in any newly engaged couple.

Will cursed himself for burdening her with his troubles. He cursed himself for not being capable of breaking himself of her. He cursed himself for even suggesting for a moment that she break it off with Jem.

How could he have even thought of causing his parabatai even the slightest sorrow? And this would be even more than a slight sorrow...

Across the table, Jem leaned in to whisper something to Tessa. She, gazing fixedly at her lap, gave a small smile and whispered something back. Jem reached into Tessa's lap, to take her hand, WIll supposed gloomily.

At the head of the table, off to Will's right, Henry boomed jovially, "Pass the salt!"

Will looked around for it uninterestedly and Gideon Ligthwood at his left pointed it out to him, between him and Tessa in the middle of the table.

Will mad a grab for it at the same moment as Tessa reached for it. Their hands brushed. A tingle shot up Will's arm and he looked up.

His and Tessa's eyes met. They stared at each other fro a moment, their eyes locked, gray to blue, until Henry repeated, "The salt! Someone must have it!" and Tessa drew her hand back. In a daze, Will handed the salt to Charlotte, who gave it to Henry, who sighed contentedly and said, "I do so love potatoes."


	3. Sudden Silence, Sudden Heat

**Sudden Silence, Sudden Heat**

**A/N: Takes place after Clockwork Prince.**

**Second installment! Sorry it took a while, shtuff was happening. By which I mean nothing interesting happened but I had homework.**

**Enjoy!**

The library was full of a low buzzing noise. Henry was flying his new "invention," a recreation of Mortmain's flying camera spies. Their wings buzzed as they flew, beating the air angrily.

Jem was making a strangely Will-ish comment from the arm of Tessa's chair, saying that it didn't really count as an invention, since Mortmain had invented it first. Will wondered if Jem was somehow channeling his spirit. Well, ex-spirit.

Apart from being free to love and be loved, Will was quite subdued. More than that, he was miserable.

Charlotte was adding to the chatter by defending Henry, telling Jem that Henry's camera spies were far superior to Mortmain's medial "pieces of junk."

Church, on Tessa's lap, purred. She was the only person other than Jem who was allowed to touch that ferocious beast.

In a corner, where no dust rag had dared to venture for quite some time, Sophie was attempting to rid the shelves of dust. Gideon hovered behind her, offering to give her a boost to reach the higher shelves. Will noted Sophie's reddening cheeks and sighed inwardly.

He bent his head over the book in his lap, the name of which he didn't even remember. Without reading a word, he flipped a page and stared at the margins.

As if from far away, Will heard Jem exclaim as the flying machine flapped out the door. Henry cursed and Charlotte scolded. Jem leapt from the arm of Tessa's chair and tore after the thing, Henry and Charlotte hot on his heels, Gideon and Sophie flocking after them.

In the silence which ensued, Will realized with growing horror that he was alone with Tessa, who was unable to move for fear of being attacked by the now stirring Church. Not even for his beloved Tessa would Church allow such an insult to go unpunished.

Will felt heat flooding his cheeks. Hurriedly, he set the books on the table and fled the room, aware that Tessa had opened her mouth to say something to him.

"Will!" she called from behind him. He flew down the corridors to the tower and his room. He slammed the door and barricaded himself inside to cool off.


	4. Hearts Leap in a Giddy Whirl

**Hearts Leap in a giddy whirl**

**Takes place right after Jem proposes to Tessa; Will is in the library before they come in. I borrowed a bit from the book.**

**A/N: Not much to say... Hope you like it!**

Sophie was tending to a blazing fire in the drawing room grate, and the room was warm, almost stuffy. Charlotte sat behind her desk, Henry in a chair behind her.

Will sprawled in a flowered armchair. He sat near the fire though he was already far too warm. He wondered if he was delirious. His whole body was ablaze, his mind racing, knowing what he could say to Tessa.

He took an anxious sip of tea, ignoring Charlotte and Henry as they strategized in the corner.

When Tessa walked in, Will jerked upright, spilling tea on his sleeve. _What does it matter?_ he thought wildly.

Unconsciously, he put the cup on the table next to him, keeping his eyes locked on Tessa. She stared at him with a startled expression and stopped. Jem bumped into her back, almost sending her sprawling to the carpet.

But she kept her eyes on him.

Will felt his heart leap in a giddy whirl. _Does she remember last night in the infirmary?_

Jem peered around he shoulder. "Hallo Will."

Will's heart spiraled downwards, but not too far. His confession would just have to wait.


	5. She Could Be That Girl, I'm Not That Boy

**She Could Be That Girl, I'm Not That Boy**

**A/N: Hey, again. It's... (drum roll, please)… another angsty Will fic! Yay!**

**Takes place after Clockwork Prince.**

The rain ran down the bedroom window. The grey sky outside seemed to have snuck inside his bedroom. The stacks of books around the room, which had once been beloved friend, then been his saviors, then just more pieces of the Tessa-puzzle that ruled his mind, were now his enemies. They spoke of romances and love stories and "happy endings" that were forbidden to him.

Will morosely surveyed the grey room. At least at home in Wales, there were moors and hills to look at. In London, there were only the streets. Then there were the buildings. And more buildings. And more. And even more of this Hell that he was forced to call home.

He now knew what the Ninth Circle of Hell was really like. He didn't care what Tessa said or what Dante said. Yes, it was cold. But it was a whole different kind of cold than Dante had ever imagined.

But he had lied, he reminded himself. He did care what Tessa said. He cared more than anything.

She was The One, he was sure of it. They were the same. They knew what "alone" meant. And he thought she knew about the cold of Hell as well.

She was That Girl, all right.

But he wasn't That Boy.

**That one was short, sorry. I assure you, they'll get longer later on.**


	6. Don't Dream Too Far

**Don't Dream Too Far**

**A/N: Woohoo! Second update of the day! And 5th of the weekend! Wow, I'm on a roll :)**

**Takes place during Clockwork Prince, right after Will meets Marbas and finds out the curse was a fake.**

On the dark, wet, street, running from Magnus Bane's house to the Institute, Will's mind raced. He saw himself in a year, happy with Tessa, married perhaps, or just engaged... He thought of the wedding they would one day have, her in a gold dress, him in a suit. Her hair would be down- he loved it that way. There would be white flowers in it, held there by pins. After the ceremony, he would pull the pins out. One. By. One. And then he would kiss his bride...

He imagined a life together, living at the Institute, he supposed, surrounded by Charlotte and Henry and Cyril and Bridget and Sophie and Gideon (shudder) Lightwood. He could even learn to love Bridget's songs if he had Tessa...

And somehow, in his mind's eye, he always say Jem... Jem as his best man at the wedding. Jem at the dinner table proposing a toast. Jem being there always.

Will knew his dreams weren't real, because of Jem. He realized with a jolt that "future" meant "no Jem," and even a future including Tessa could not change that.

And then, Will pictured himself and Tessa in 60, 70 years. He would be an old man and she, immortal as any warlock, would be young and beautiful as ever. Would she love him still? Or would her interest wane, just as Magnus's interest in Camille Belcourt had?

Would she find another after he died, to replace him?

Will blinked the rain and tears from his eyes.

He forced himself to imagine Tessa in the golden dress his mind had conjured up for her. _Don't dream too far, Will_, he told himself. There were too many things to fix at present to leave room to think too much about the future.

**Eh, not the best I've done, but it'll do. I hope you guys liked it, anyway!**

**Expect another update in a week or less :)**


	7. Don't Lose Sight of Who You Are

**Don't Lose Sight of Who You Are**

**A/N: Well, I met the deadline I set myself. One week, I said, and one week it was! Enjoy! I love you all, readers, just wanted to say! :)**

**Takes place during Clockwork Angel, on the roof, directly after Will is dreadful and awful to Tessa.**

**WARNING: There is angst and sadness.**

Will sunk to his knees just as the door closed behind her. The roof was abandoned but for himself. He put his head in his hands and gave himself over to pain. Where had the laughing boy from Wales gone, he wondered. What had happened to William Herondale, the carefree boy with two happy parents and two happy sisters, who loved to run and play on the moors?

A demon and a curse had happened.

And then five years of death and destruction, five years of killing and cruelty.

And loneliness.

That had happened. No wonder the old Will had disappeared so deep inside of him.

And now the newer Will sobbed on a rooftop, wondering if he should just kill himself then and get it over with .He was on a roof after all, an easy jump, though... Would it kill him? He imagined the gossip and the headlines. _Boy miraculously survives fall from church roof._ "God was certainly watching over him."

He could deal with physical pain, easily. But tit was the pain of Tessa that he was afraid of. That was a very different matter. On the other hand, if he could convince himself that this was all necessary... And it was, if you looked at it truthfully. But was it worth it? Would it be better to leave and hope they'd get over missing him, if they even missed him at all?

But there was Jem. How could he leave him? Jem would be sure to follow. And then there would be that infernal cat...

If he stayed, he would just have to bury himself further.

He groaned and looked up to the darkening sky.

_Alright Will,_ he thought. _Just don't lose sight of who you are completely_.

**When I look at it now, it looks so short! Okay, it wasn't very interesting. Something more interesting will come up next chapter. It's longer, funnier, and it mentions Cecily! That's because I realize that I have neglected to mention her in all of the post-CP drabbles.**

**Till next time, love y'all! (I'm in such a good mood today :D )**


	8. Don't Remember That Rush of Joy

**Don't remember That Rush of Joy**

**A/N: M y sincerest apologies for the two week-ish delay. There were poster boards... And then there was homework... And yeah. Y'all can thank Onlyxhuman for this update. If "y'all" actually exist... I KNOW YOU DO! There have been a total of 231 visitors to this story (596 hits), so you must be out there... Somewhere... (Over the rainbow...) **

**I abuse ellipsis, don't I :)**

**Takes place after Clockwork Prince, but before Jessa's wedding.**

He looked down at Tessa, he hair falling out of the carefully place pins. He reached for the pins, pulling them from her hair as though they were the only things holding him from her. Her hair fell around her flushed face, an undecipherable expression in her beautiful gray eyes.

Hoping he was reading it right, he leaned in and kissed her.

His heart gave a sickeningly wonderful lurch and seemed to stop beating for a moment. He felt a rush of intense joy. He reached his hands towards her and was jolted out of his dream by a sharp knock on the door.

Will's eyes shot open.

"Will! Are you in there? Open up!" Jem.

"It's not locked," said Will. "Just twist the knob."

"It is too locked. And I did. That is how one usually opens doors, you know, William, you needn't condescend-"

"Farther."

There was a faint click and the door swung open. Jem stood in the doorway, a sheepish expression on his face. "Right, well." The boys stared at each other for a brief moment without speaking, until Will looked away. Jem sighed, stepped further into the room, and closed the door.

"Will, you have to come out of your room eventually. You can't stay in her forever. It's not as if Sophie likes bringing you food three times a day..." He paused, glancing at Will, looking for a reaction, a response, anything. Will did not oblige.

Patiently, Jem said, "I think I know what this is about."

Will looked suspicious. Had Tessa told Jem? Surely not... Surely...

"Having Cecily here is such a change for you-"

"What?"

"And," Jem persevered, "You feel threatened, another Herondale who you haven't seen in many years-"

"Jem, are you hearing yourself?"

"No, no, Will, listen to me," Jem said, motioning for Will to be quiet. "You want to avoid a confrontation with her. Now, I don't know why you left your home and family in Wales, but I think you don't want Cecily to ask you about that. Out of respect to you, William, I will refrain from asking you myself. I do not wish to encroach upon your privacy." Jem closed his mouth and looked at Will expectantly.

Will merely glared mutinously. "What would you know about me and my sister? What would you know about why I'm holed up in here"

Jem glared back. "If not that, then why are you holed up in here?"

Will made a split second decision.

"I never said it wasn't."

**A/N: A bit more light-hearted than the last, hope you liked it! I'd love a review... **

**I know I said it would be longer, and it was (by not all that much) but it still looks really short. Meh. I'll try my best to update sooner next time! :)**


	9. She Could Be That Girl new

**She Could Be That Girl,**

**I'm Not That Boy**

**A/N: This one _IS_ indeed different than the last chapter with the same name (Chapter 4, I believe). But the lyrics repeat, so... Anyway, it's a lot like the other one, but more action! By which I mean dialogue, no killing or anything :/**

**Well, school is officially out for me, so today I went out for food with friends, then had a good cry! Yup. It's true folks, I like school. Am I crazy, yes. Is that a bad thing, no. Well, it depends on who you are... Anyways!**

**And now, I proudly present, Chapter 9 (really it's 8, if you're not counting the chapter with the lyrics, and I never do. Anyways, I digress.)**

**This one is sort of random and doesn't really connect to the lyrics until the end, but it has Cecily in it, and I'm proud of myself for actually putting her in as an active character! **

**This takes place between Clockwork Prince and Clockwork Princess, before the wedding (saying that makes me so sad... My poor Will...)**

Will stared out the window mournfully, watching the rain drops slide down the pane. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against the cold glass. Below his window, Tessa and Jem scurried up the Institute steps, laughing, hands clasped, smiling. They disappeared from his line of vision and Will closed his eyes, willing the dull pain and soreness behind his eyes to go away.

Wearily, he sunk to the floor and leaned back against the bed. Something jabbed him hard in the hip and he looked down to discover that it was the corner of a book. Without even having to turn over the book, he knew what it would be.

Typical.

It was like the cosmos just liked tormenting him...

_A Tale of Two Cities_.

A sharp knock sounded at the door. Will jumped, dropping the book. "William?" Will groaned silently, wishing Cecily would just leave him alone.

"Are you alright, Will?" His heart twinged. How long had it been since she'd last called him Will? Since she'd said his name at all? Too long... "Will?" Her voice was quieter now, softer. "Everyone's worried about you. I keep thinking you'll have to come out eventually to eat or _something_, but Charlotte tells me that's not necessarily completely true." There was a hint of a smile in her voice now.

Will tried to remember how long it had been since he'd accepted the food they kept persistently putting outside his door... And couldn't.

"Hmmm," was all he said.

The door knob jiggled, but he had locked the door.

"Will, please." The trace of a smile was gone.

With an inward sigh, Will got off the floor. Reluctantly, he trudged to the door and unlocked it. It swung open to reveal Cecily standing in the doorway looking worried.

She held out a hand and Will took it.

In silence, they walked down the hallway, then down the stairs. When the front doors of the Institute opened and Tessa and Jem stumbled inside, drenched and red-faced, Will couldn't help but wonder bitterly what they had been doing on the front steps all that time... He flinched when Tessa's eyes met his and looked away quickly, feeling Cecily's inquisitive glance. When he and Cecily reached the hall to the Library, she stopped, stepping in front of him and looking him in the eye.

"Oh," she said quietly, "Oh, I see."

He thought he knew what she was talking about, and he was not proven wrong.

"She's 'the Girl', isn't she?" Cecily asked him, sympathetically.

"I'm not 'the Boy' though," muttered will.

"Well obviously not," scoffed Cecily. "They're engaged!" Before Will could say "Thank you for reminding me, I'd almost forgotten" in a sarcastic tone, she continued. "Just don't let her break your heart, Will."

Will smiled sadly and whispered an answer just loud enough for her to hear before he strode into the Library,

"Too late."

**A/N: Sniffle, poor Will. Did ya notice my Mortal Instruments reference? Heeheehee! (The really weird thing is that the dictionary on OpenOffice suggested that instead of "heeheehee" I meant "headcheese". What the hell is headcheese? And why would I be typing it? Again, I digress.)**

**Till next time, people. :D**


	10. Every So Often

**Every So Often/We Long to Steal**

**To The Land Of What Might Have Been/**

**But That Doesn't Soften/The Ache We Feel/**

**When Reality Sets Back In**

**A/N: A long title, this time! Wow, two updates in 4 days! I'm leaving in two days, so I thought I'd at least update once before then. I'll be gone for 2 weeks, so don't expect anything for at least that long :)**

**This one is sort of tricky. I couldn't work in the lyrics exactly, just the end bit.**

**Takes place anytime after Clockwork Prince. **

The sun shone down on Will's face as he lay on the grass under a tall tree. He felt happy, truly happy for the first time since finding out that he could love openly without putting her in danger and since he had told her that. Of course, that had turned out well... _Ha ha_, he thought sarcastically, turning over and opening his eyes to see Tessa sitting next to him on the grass, her back against the tree, reading.

Of course she was reading.

Will stared at her, feeling that he could never stop. Just looking at her was enough for now...

"Will," she said gently. He smiled lazily and she smiled back. It felt like slow motion, like that moment could last forever. But it didn't. Will wasn't complaining though, because the moment was broken by Tessa leaning forward, the book falling to the grass beside her, her hand reaching for his face.

"You lost your place," Will whispered. Tessa ignored him and kissed him.

That was the first clue.

"Don't you care that you lost your place?" asked Will, pulling away.

Tessa pulled him back. Their lips met and this time Will didn't argue. No point in ruining this... Tessa's hands caressed his cheeks, ran through his hair, her lips frantic and fierce against his, no thought of Jem seeming to cross her mind.

_Huh,_ thought Will. _Jem_.

That was the second clue.

"Tessa?" Will asked thoughtfully, breaking away. "What about Jem?"

Tessa's face was blank. She blinked at him uncomprehendingly. "What about Jem?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

Will, with a sinking feeling, kissed her with reckless abandon, hoping against hope that it wouldn't end... But it was already too late.

Will woke with reluctance, feeling the ache he was so accustomed to waking to lately: the ache of reality setting back in. The dream had been lovely while it lasted, lovely. He cursed himself for ruining it by questioning it. If only he had let well enough alone, if only he had accepted the dream without question.

If only it wasn't merely a dream that Tessa was his.

If only.

**A/N: There ya go, folks. I'm officially over one half of the way through this fic! I'm sort of glad there is a limit to how long this will go. Then I can finish and know that I couldn't write any more...**

**Anyway! Please review, it makes me happy!**


	11. Blithe Smile, Lithe Limb

**Blithe Smile, Lithe Limb,**

**He is Winsome**

**And She Loves Him**

**A/N: I am terribly sorry, darlings, I know I neglected you for... six weeks and six days, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. So here is the next chapter of my Will-centric angstfic.**

**...I missed you, my pretty. For clarity, that was directed at the fic itself. **

**Anyway, this one is set at a ball-sort-of-thing (I'm sort of hazy as to why this is happening) but it focuses on Will's and Cecily's relationship as siblings.**

Will watched Jem and Tessa, dancing together happily, a happy couple. Tessa was so beautiful in dark green, her hair up in pins, and Jem so handsome in his suit with his overjoyed expression, that clearly said how hard it was for Jem to believe that Tessa actually loved him, even after she told him so, even after she said 'yes' to him. Will could barely stand to watch them. It took all of his will power just to keep from turning away from the pair. But Gabriel Lightwood was at his right, watching him with an eagle eye. And Will wasn't about to show any sign of weakness now.

"Will?" The voice startled him. He turned quickly to see Cecily standing beside him. "Will you dance with me?"

She looked lovely in a blue dress that matched her Herondale eyes perfectly. Her dark hair was piled on top of her head, pinned with pearls. Will saw Gabriel's eyes on her and he narrowed his eyes.

"Of course, I'll dance with you, Cecily," he answered stiffly, leading her out onto the dance floor. "You look gorgeous."

"Thank you," her voice neutral.

Over her shoulder, he could see Tessa and Jem, Jem looking so winsome and so happy, Tessa looking haunted. _Probably because she's just seen my face staring at her mournfully, _Will thought gloomily.

As if to prove his point, Cecily said irritably, "Why are you looking so stricken, Will? You look like you're in pain." She glanced over her shoulder and caught a glimpse of Tessa. "Oh," she said quietly. "Oh I see."

"Do you?" he snapped. "Do you really see, Cecily? And what do you know about me?" It came out harsher then he had intended, but Cecily snapped right back, "And whose fault is that, might I ask? Who left us?" She glared at him challengingly.

Will dropped his hands, more out of surprise than anger. "We've been through this before, Cecily," he said softly. "I explained about... everything."

Cecily glared. "You didn't have to go, you know. You could have stayed and... I don't know, gotten help? Asked someone about it," she suggested, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe then you would have found out that it wasn't really a real curse and then you wouldn't have had this problem-"

"YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN'T!" Will exploded.

The room had gone quiet, the Shadowhunters around them turning to stare.

"I've explained this Cecily. I thought I had to," said Will, lowering his voice. "I couldn't stay- couldn't." With that, he turned and strode from the room, leaving behind an awkward silence.

Above the hall, he scrawled a rune on the floor to spy on the occupants of the room below. He saw Jem pull Tessa back into his embrace to dance. Even from above, he could see Jem's expression of pure adoration. And he could only imagine the loving expression of Tessa's face.

Jem was sweet and kind and wonderful and handsome. And Tessa Gray loved him.

**A/N: Well, I can promise another update soon. As an I'm Sorry present. Ta ta for now.**


	12. Silver Hair and a Gentle Air

**Silver Hair**

**And a Gentle Air**

**A/N: I promised a quick update and I gave you one. I hope this is satisfactory.**

**Takes place after CP and before CP2.**

Jem's room was silent, which unnerved Will. This was usually the time Jem practiced his violin. But there was no music now as Will passed.

The door was cracked open, letting a sliver of light spill out onto the hall floor.

Will paused. He stepped closer to the door and knocked gently. "Jem?" he called, pushing the door open farther to reveal Jem lying sprawled across his bed. He wasn't moving. Will's heart skipped a beat. He started forward, panic teeming in his mind.

Jem sighed and rolled over onto his face.

Will rolled his eyes, but inwardly, his heart was still thumping. He watched Jem as he slept, the back of his silver head, the bones of his shoulders, his thin torso... Jem's ravaged body pained Will, as though he could feel his parabatai's pain.

Jem was beautiful, despite his... condition. And he was good, _far better than me,_ thought Will.

_No wonder she loves him_.

Something soft brushed against Will's leg. He jumped, but, looking down, realized that it was only Church. The cat padded into the room, glancing at Will with an expression somewhere between pity and understanding.

"Hullo Church," Will said.

"Mrow," Church answered.

"Hmm," Will answered mildly.

Church sat on Will's foot.

"Is Jem being good to you, Church?" Will asked.

Church stared disbelievingly at him

"Stupid, of course he is," Will sighed. "He's nice to everyone. Well, thank the Angel I'm not your owner, Church... because I would very likely forget to feed you during my bouts of self-pity." He nudged Church off his foot and turned to go. Behind him, Church meowed his agreement before padding into Jem's bedroom.

**A/N: I just thought I'd put Church in for fun :) Hope you liked it. I don't know when I'll update next, but I promise it won't be another 7 week break.**


	13. That's The Boy She Chose

**That's the Boy She Chose**

**And the Angel Knows**

**I'm Not That Boy**

**A/N: Hey-lo, dear readers. I suppose this takes place after CP before CP2. Enjoy! It's late and I don't feel like doing much more than typing a story I already wrote out.**

Will's aimless wanderings in the dead of night often took him down the hall to a certain spot in the carpet, between two doors that faced each other across the hall.

This spot had been beaten down, squashed, stepped on so many times that foot-shaped indentations had been pressed into it. There were three sets of feet apparent on this particular patch of carpet: Two facing each other, backs to the walls, close to each other in the center of the hall. And there was one next to both of them so that if all three people had been standing there at the same time, the third person would have been looking at the sides of the faces of the other two.

But the third person was never there when the other two were. And the other two were never there when the third person was. No, there was another patch of beaten own carpet down the hall, near the wall, just out of sight of the lamp that shone above one of the door.

The third person was there now however, his violet-blue eyes glinting in the lamp-light, suspiciously bright.

There was a sound at one door, followed quickly by a sound at the other, as though the occupant of the second room had been waiting with their ear to the keyhole to hear when the other person left.

Tessa appeared in the hallway, followed quickly by Jem, but neither of them saw the flash of dark hair, dark clothing, and pale skin as the third person disappeared down the hall into the shadows, letting his feet sink into the other set of indentations. Neither did they notice the set of indentations into which their own feet sank as they embraced, Jem kissing Tessa on the lips before leading her down the hall.

Jem's arm around Tessa's back as they walked down the stairs, Tessa's Angel and the jade pendant Jem had given her gleamed around her neck in the golden glow from the lamp. Will winced.

There they were, Tessa and Jem, Will's first love and his best friend.

The first dream of Will's soul and the boy she chose.

**A/N: Hope you liked it (I rather did myself actually, I thought the carpet thing would seem totally lame at first, but by the end I actually liked it. Tell me if you thought it was lame, I want to know!). Bye!**


	14. Don't Wish, Don't Start

**Don't Wish**

**Don't Start**

**A/N: Takes place after Clockwork Prince. More angst! Yay!**

The library was deserted. Or so it seemed.

In a darkened corner sat a young man, shadowed, lit only by the streetlight outside the window. He sat so still that one might not have noticed him. From the slump of his shoulders and the droop of his head it was apparent that whatever the young man was thinking about, it was not happy.

* * *

William Herondale was concentrating very hard on not wishing.

As a boy, he had wished for any number of things – a pony, a dog, some sort of magical device to ward off ducks. As a teenager, he had been prematurely burdened with a problem no boy should be burdened with, and he had never quite allowed himself to wish for the thing he wanted most – people to be able to love him. Then, for the briefest of moments, he had been able to wish for that thing, not with a little boy's heart, but with a young man's soul.

And then the possibility of his wish was stolen from him.

And he was back again. Back to locking away his wish and turning his back on it, no matter how hard he might want it.

**A/N: Enjoy the quick updates while you can *sinister grin* **


	15. Wishing Only Wounds The Heart

**Wishing Only**

**Wounds the Heart**

**A/N: Takes place after Clockwork Prince. It's along the same lines as the last chapter, wishing and such. And, of course, angst.**

"Will?" Cecily sang, tapping on his door. "Oh, Wi-ill! Come out and look at the dress Tessa and Charlotte got for me! Will!"

Will growled something and rolled over on the floor onto his face. The ensuing silence seemed to say that Cecily had taken Will's growl to be "Go away" and left. Will hoped so.

He had spent so many years without allowing people to love him. He had wanted it, not matter how hard he tried to suppress the wish for someone to be able to love him, preferably without being in the process of dying. And now he had that. Here was Cecily, the sister he had missed so passionately and wished to see, to hold again after so long. Here she was, and _she_ could love him.

But the one person Will most wanted to love him could not, would not and never would.

Will made a mental promise never to wish for anything ever again. Wishing could only wound his already battered and scarred heart even more.

**A/N: Sorry about the shortness. I didn't want to drone :)**


	16. I Don't Want To Douse Their Joy

**I Don't Want to Douse Their Joy**

**A/N: I'm not even entirely sure how long it's been since I updated, but it's been a while. In my defense, I would have updated for the last two-ish days but my internet died temporarily. **

**This takes place after Clockwork Prince.**

In the dim light of the Institute entryway, Jem and Tessa stood, hands clasped. Their voices floated up to Will in the hall above.

"Tessa my love, wait for me a minute while I fetch something from my room." Jem left her standing there and dashed up the stairs.

Will melted into the shadows.

Jem passed him without noticing, walking blithly towards his room and ducking inside.

Will's heart throbbed. It didn't just ache, it _throbbed_, like a healing wound. But it wasn't healing. He closed his eyes and wondered vaguely if he killed himself, would it make anything better? He would die anyway of a broken heart surely, if pure recklessness didn't kill him first.

But it wasn't as if there was anything he could do. It wasn't as if he could turn back the clock and stop Jem from proposing to Tessa first. And if he could, would he?

He wouldn't wish this misery upon anyone, much less Jem. And surely this was how Jem would feel if he were in Will's place, watching Will and Tessa being so... happy together.

But Jem wouldn't be imagining himself in Will's place, he wouldn't be thinking of how, if things were different... No, he would be wishing every happiness for his parabatai and his love.

Will swore he would try to be as good as Jem, but knew that that was impossible.

_I don't want to douse their joy,_ he thought bleakly.

"Alright, ready?" Tessa's voice drifted up to him. He hadn't noticed Jem go by him, but now he and Tessa were disappearing out the doors of the Institute and down the steps. Will felt a mad urge to run after them, but – _I don't want to douse their joy_, he thought desolately.

**A/N: Only one more chapter to go, folks, then off to... happier and less angsty things! I think anyway, if my fic-plans come into being.**


	17. I Know She's The Girl

**I Know She's The Girl**

**I Love Her So**

**I'm Not That Boy**

**A/N: I decided I'd better end this before school starts properly (classes start tomorrow)... here goes. So, I know the words of the title aren't actually in the drabble, but it's sort of implied. This takes place after Clockwork Prince. It is from Tessa's point of view (I know the rest is Will, but it just seemed appropriate). And it's sad, just so ya know. It's the last chapter and I decided, _Hell, the rest has been sad, why not make the end even sadder?_**

Tessa looked beautiful in gold, with her dark curls piled on her head. Her gray eyes shone with a certain brightness that Will and everyone else attributed to happiness, but Tessa herself attributed to sadness. And Will. But the two were synonymous, weren't they?

But it was too late, and Henry was leading her down the aisle between the chairs in the Institute library, and Tessa was looking around her frantically for Will, and Will was lurking behind a pillar, hiding from Tessa's searching eyes with the practiced ease of someone who has been doing it for months and the desolate air of someone who will never quite like doing it.

And then Henry had relinquished Tessa's arm and Jem had grasped her hands in his and Tessa's ears were hearing the words said and her lips were saying the words that she had been taught, but her mind was elsewhere. And then Jem was leaning in towards her and Tessa realized that what the strange man before her had said was, "You may now kiss the bride."

And then Tessa fainted.

And by the time she had woken up to see the members of the London Institute crowded around her sofa, Jem by her side, clasping her hands in his, and Tessa had asked where Will was, it was also too late.

Because William Herondale had gone, out into the streets of London to roam.

And it was to be days before he would return.

And after that day, only four words were ever exchanged between them, and that was several years later, when Jem was dead. And it was after a battle when Will was brought back home, grievously injured that the words were spoken.

And those words were "Tessa," "Will," "Goodbye," and "No."

**A/N: I apologize for the tragedy. I know, I know, , you probably want to kill me now (and you have a right, I admit) for the trauma I put Will through, but I promise: I'm writing a Happy Wessa fic for you. It's happening (just a bit slowly).**

**I hope you guys enjoyed the fic! Please review, it always makes me happy :)**


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